Fwd: Fwd: Business of Forwarding!

If you asked me at the beginning of this millennium, what FORWARD meant, I would have told “it means advancing, going ahead” or on similar lines, that is literal. But for the better part of this decade, I, like most of you, have been getting dozens of Fwds. And today, by FORWARD I first think of those Fwd-ed mails or SMSes.

Just sample a few of the Fwd-ed mails:

Fw: ` she is cUte :: daUghter of tOm cruise “`

Fw: How china gets gold medals – really worth

Fw: Jammu Riot Facts… Dont miss this

Fw: Software engineers Dream Girl ……………..wow

Fw: ONCE IN 2400 YRS

Fwd: [Fwd: [Fwd: [Fwd: [Fwd: [Fwd: [Fwd: [Fwd: [Fwd: Fw: truth behind amarnath..pity hindus?:]]]]]]]]k

Fwd: FW: Kuselan Movie Stills…

Fwd: FW: Karnataka’s Rich Heritage

Fwd: FW: Beta No. 1

Fwd: FW: FW: FW: Read Below…

Fwd: Guess

Fwd: Fwd: FWD: Don’t ignore this mail

***

Plenty of FWDed SMSes (jokes, those ‘Send-this-to-20-people-in-3-mins’ types and Loan offers…) too bother just when you are about to enter an ICU, attending nature’s call, in a meeting, thinking about a design, giving bath to your kid….

Some Fwds are really very good. Like say when someone came out with ‘Why Misbah Ul haq got out’ in that crucial match against India. He was caught by Sreesanth, and the mail said – Misbah didn’t know there is a Mallu in every corner of the world!

Fwd-ing Jokes and riddles are fine. But not everything can be forwarded you see. Irresponsibly FWD-ing an SMS can disturb everybody. This is what happened in the lives of A, B and C this morning:

Early morning, B receives an SMS from A saying “My f-i-l passed away”.

B is very busy attending to the morning duties, and hence FORWARDS the message to C. C, having met B’s f-i-l a couple of days back, is shocked after reading the SMS!

When C calls B, B is very normal and doesn’t sound disturbed. C tells about the SMS, and only then B tells that A’s f-i-l passed away. What a start to the day!

Maybe there needs to be a 2-year Post Graduate Diploma in FORWARDING MANAGEMENT!

Is love really blind?

Design: RK

Scene 1:
Seventh decade of the 20th century- A young boy and a girl see each other at a function, fall in love, and their marriage is arranged by the elders. They lead a comfortable life, with two kids etc. etc.

Boy and girl are from the same caste. (Point to be noted)

Scene 2:
First decade of the millennium – A young boy and a girl see each other at the workplace, fall in love. And…

The girl’s parents make a lot of noise, and the poor thing says she will either marry the guy or remain unmarried for life. That is when her parents go to an elderly person and he says that “if married, the girl will repent for life”. So the girl sacrifices her love.

Boy and girl are from different castes. (Point to be noted)

Scene 3:
First decade of the millennium – A young boy and a girl see each other in a friend’s house and fall in love. The girl is hesitant to say it to her orthodox and traditional parents (whose marriage was arranged in the seventh decade of the 20th century). But surprisingly, once they come to know of it, they agree to the marriage.

Boy and girl are from different castes. (Point to be noted)

Irony is that, the parents in Scene 2, are the hero and heroine of Scene 1.

Now, to ask the obvious: Is love really blind? Does caste really matter?

Waiting to read what you feel.

People who drain our energy

by Latha Vidyaranya 

We often come across people after speaking to whom we feel so drained of our energy! Perhaps we can call them ‘energy-vampires’! They keep talking to us endlessly about themselves and their woes and constantly complaining on somebody or something that they seldom allow us to talk in between and make a contribution to the talk. It becomes a monologue rather than a dialogue. In spite of getting bored and irritated with such people, we continue to give them our precious time thinking that we are in some way obliged to listen to them. S/he may be our friend, our sibling or our own parent, especially mothers, who go on talking about their past difficulties or their present poor relationship with another child or in-law or about anything else that least interests us. But we simply surrender to them and continue to give them our time.
 
STOP! We are in no way obliged to listen to them always! It is fine to give our ear to somebody who may badly want to share his/her difficulty to lighten their emotional burden. We are doing a good job by helping them to relieve themselves of some life problem that they had been suppressing all these days. In fact at the end of the session they feel so grateful to us that we were patient enough to listen to their woes and perhaps even gave a few valuable suggestions to overcome those troubles. It is perfectly laudable.

But not so laudable is lending our time to listen to the same old stories of our own kith and kin day in and day out! We have every right to withdraw ourselves from such people because we are ending up as victims ourselves! This surely is an abuse on our time! Please understand that as adults we all have our own priorities set and we need time and energy to reach these goals. We can not let someone eat up all our time and constantly weep on our shoulders. We have an obligation to help them realize that it can not go on and on and that we will not be available to them henceforth to discuss things that may not have any solutions and that we are all obliged to cope with certain of these difficulties that have no visible end. In fact we are doing a disservice to them by developing a kind of dependency in them upon us.

Once this is stated matter-of-factly the ‘energy-vampire’ realizes that each one of us adults is responsible for our own upliftment or digging our own graves! We all have to draw energy from our own inner resources and help ourselves out of difficulties or learn some coping strategies. They need to very clearly see that their continuous outpours everyday with us is creating distances in our own relationship with other family members. Others (our spouse, our kids) have an equal right to demand our time, all of which is currently being drained by this particular person. You can not let other relationships get damaged because of your misplaced priorities on this person’s woes. Please wake up now and keep people at right distances and allow yourself the precious time and space that is very much required for your own growth.

Latha Vidyaranya’s articles featured on RwB:

• Learning Disability in children
• Fathers also need to balance home and work
• Postpartum Depression
• Celebrating Differences in Life
• Synesthetics can see smells, hear pictures, and smell colours and numbers
• Parenting

(Latha Vidyaranya is a Special Educator and Counsellor and has founded ‘Empower Counselling Centre’ in Malleswaram, Bangalore.)

Blog Cartoon – 42

Cartoon: RK

Also visit the Cartoon page on RwB.

Parenting

by Latha Vidyaranya

Congrats, RK, for that lovely article on the pleasures of fathering a young kid! It is very rare in these days of hectic work schedules that I hear a parent speaking in such exultation about the little achievements of the kid or the happy quiet moments of togetherness with the kid! Narayan is truly blessed!

I agree that parenting is the toughest job on earth. It seldom gets its due share of acknowledgement, and generally goes unsung. It is the most difficult job, where you get hands-on training on the spot, on the real platform always! No prior rehearsals are possible and no ‘undo’ or ‘delete’ options are available if the errors are committed. Though there are thousands of parenting manuals available in the market, all suggestions given are at the most guidelines only and not the absolute truths. That is because no two kids or two parents or two families are similar. Each one is unique with their own amusing characteristics that one man’s Visha (poison) can become another’s Amrutha (nectar) in this matter.

And don’t we all agree that we start realizing and appreciating our parents’ efforts only when we become a parent ourselves!?

And how soon the birds are ready to fly out of the nest! And then starts our lamentation of how I could have spent that time with my kid and how I should not have done this or that and how I could be a totally different parent if only I am given one more chance now to parent my little kid all over again! 

So all you young parents, come on, slow down with your other “more important businesses of life”, grab this chance of spending good time with your kids helping him or her to evolve into a beautiful human being tomorrow. Be there for him or her when he or she needs you the most. If not physically possible, at least be there ALWAYS with your kid EMOTIONALLY. Say it in words how much you love him/her, say that you always trust and respect his/her views, you are always there for them both in their achievements and more importantly in their failures too! 

I am reminded of a child’s words to its parents:

“Papa and Mama, Love me most when I deserve it the least for it is then that I need it most”.

(Latha Vidyaranya is a Special Educator and Counsellor and has founded ‘Empower Counselling Centre’ in Malleswaram, Bangalore.)

Kids are a powerful force – II

(in the pic) Talented lot: The author’s daughter, friends and nieces who are budding models, dancers and singers

by Manjula Harpanahalli

Read the first part here: Kids are a powerful force - I

A child can twist you around his or her little finger (Magician), can amaze you with spontaneous gestures and response (Talented Actor), can come up with mind blowing argument to drive home a point (Lawyer), can instigate fights with your spouse and in-laws unknowingly and also bring peace (Diplomat) and much more. But all this is underlined with innocence which is the essence of childhood. William Wordsworth’s quote “A child is the father of the man” sounds apt here. On a lighter vein you do not have to worry about their career options in the future, as they are already displaying relevant traits.

Now, how do some specific traits or behaviour patterns come into place? Our behaviour is influenced by the social, cultural and economic dynamics and so will be our kids. They learn first and foremost by observing their parents, older siblings and if you live in a joint family, then the other family members. The most basic behaviour pattern they pick up is related to demonstrating anger, usage of spoken language, tone, mannerisms and conduct. Therefore the onus lies on the “primary role models”, us the parents and other family members to demonstrate favourable behaviour defined as social norms by the society we live in.

Then comes adapting behaviour patterns from interacting with other children or adults outside home and also within home. It can be positive and constructive behaviour patterns like learning to share, help, love, show affection, concern etc. This leads to good self confidence, self esteem, communication, interpersonal and social skills.

The so called negative and destructive behaviour patterns adapted by children can be lying, stealing, manipulative behaviour, physical violence, etc. The reasons for this range from lack of love, security, fear of someone and many other factors. It can lead to some behavioural disorders like stammering, bed wetting, playing truant, thumb sucking, nail biting, excessive shyness and temper tantrums. It causes anxiety and concern in parents. But they could be common problems with no symptomatic behavioural disorders; nonetheless it is important for parents to take guard of the situation. In persistent cases, it is advisable to seek professional help. 

It is vital for parents to keep track of the company the children keep, the kind of stuff they watch on TV, the games they play on computers, attend parent-teacher meetings at school and interact with their teachers. Most important, keep communication open with them. Our children need constant positive strokes, attention and love which fosters a feeling of security and trust in them. They should be encouraged to share their day to day experiences without inhibitions and fear of being judged or criticized. Whenever required they also need to be disciplined, to make them realise the difference between favourable and unfavourable actions and behaviour.

So acknowledge your children’s strengths and weaknesses and help them develop a positive attitude towards learning and living in this world.  I would like to share these excerpts from the book “Children Learn What They Live” by Dorothy Law Nolte:

If children live with criticism,
they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility,
they learn to fight.

If children live with fear,
they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity,
they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule,
they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy,
they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame,
they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement,
they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance,
they learn patience.

If children live with praise,
they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance,
they learn to love.

If children live with approval,
they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition,
they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing,
they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty,
they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness,
they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration,
they learn respect.

If children live with security,
they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness,
they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

(Manjula Harpanahalli is an educational counsellor and a psychologist by profession. She runs an advising center in Hyderabad called Educational and Career Information Resource Centre (EdCIRC). She advises students on various educational and career opportunities in India and the United States.)

Kids are a powerful force – I

 
(in the pic) Cute baby: The author’s new born nephew ‘Raghav’, photographed a few hours after his birth on June 8th, 2007

by Manjula Harpanahalli

At the moment, I share my views about children, based on my experience and observations as a mother, aunt, sister (to many little cousins), friend (a few of my daughter’s friends are mine too), and lastly as a Psychologist and a Counsellor. My life has not been the same since September 7, 2000, the day my daughter came into this world. She will soon be seven and believe me, it has been a journey of non-stop activity and entertainment.

I have always been fascinated to see new born babies making different facial expressions and crying in different tones and sounds to convey some needs and also something they probably enjoy hearing. The magical moment is when the  baby sucks the mother’s breast which is a natural reflex on the part of the baby. So this behaviour or actions demonstrated by a normal and healthy baby is innate or inborn and not taught.

Then begins the growing up process where the child reaches each cherished milestones and starts school. It is also the beginning of a learning process, and developing new behaviour patterns, by watching, sensing and feeling from the proximity of the environment and people present in it.

The focus is now on learned behaviour which is absorbed or learned by training and it marks the beginning of the on-going live project for parents, especially once the child starts going to school. Everyday there is a new twist to the tale, new problems and newer challenges, and parents have to pull up their socks and be a few steps ahead, equipped with mind blowing strategies and solutions. I am sure many parents who are working will agree that this exercise will facilitate them in their boardroom meetings and also when dealing with a difficult boss.

Picture this. My daughter’s first day in school after summer vacation, she loses her new pencil box and losing one thing or the other becomes a common phenomenon. The term ‘exam’ begins and she has generously given her class work book to a classmate. Today her class teacher is the sweetest human being, tomorrow the same teacher is the most dreaded and hated creature in the world. But she does not like to hear any undesirable comment about her teacher from us.

Wow! These kids bring in a volley of emotions in us. I find my Blood Pressure rising one moment, and in the same breath, I roll over with laughter. The Psychologist in me goes for a toss and I remain a parent only. So now you know, these kids are the powerful force who keep your life packed with surprises.

(To be continued…) 

Read the second part here: Kids are a powerful force - II 

(Manjula Harpanahalli is an educational counsellor and a psychologist by profession. She runs an advising center in Hyderabad called Educational and Career Information Resource Centre (EdCIRC). She advises students on various educational and career opportunities in India and the United States.)

Don’t forget to feed your reading habit

by Melvin Durai

I want to begin this column by thanking you for being a reader. There are so many better things you could be doing with your time, and I’m truly grateful, absolutely thrilled, that you haven’t yet discovered them.Well, perhaps you have, but you’ve decided to take an occasional break from playing video games, chatting on your cell phone, and searching the Internet for pictures of Clay Aiken.

Reading is an important activity, whether you’re reading a humor column or reading the back of David Beckham. Reading can educate, entertain and inspire you. There’s really no substitute. That’s what I keep telling my wife.

Me: “Reading is so much fun, you know.”

Wife: “Really? Then why don’t you turn off the TV and read something?”

Me: “I am reading, silly. Can’t you see the scroll at the
bottom?”

But I don’t just read television, I also read books, a few dozen a year. Just last week, I completed two: “Green Eggs and Ham” and “Red Riding Hood.” My wife was amazed.

Unfortunately, not everyone is a prolific reader like me. According to a report from the National Endowment for the Arts, only 57 percent of American adults read a book in 2002, compared with 61 percent in 1992. This is shocking news to me, because I thought everyone in America reads at least one Harry Potter book per year.

And what about the impact of Oprah’s book club? I thought she was doing wonders for reading, talking about books the same way she talks about food: “I couldn’t put this down. I just devoured it. I’m telling you, it was irresistible.”

Perhaps Oprah’s show does not reach enough young people. Only 43 percent of people aged 18 to 24 read literature in 2002, compared with 53% in 1992. Literature includes poems, plays, and narrative fiction, but does not, alas, include rap lyrics. Otherwise most teen-agers would be literary prodigies.

The NEA blames television, the movies, and the Internet for the decline in reading. But the Internet also promotes reading. On any given day, just by going online, I can read newspapers from around the world, blogs on various subjects, and email from wealthy Nigerians.

It’s important to recognize that the younger generation reads in different ways. To fully understand their reading habits, we need to ask them questions like these:

—How often do you read? (a) Every day; (b) At least once a week; (c) Every time I use the bathroom; (d) Whenever Halley’s Comet comes around; or (e) Me no read.

—What is your favorite thing to read? (a) Newspapers; (b) Books; (c) My father’s will; (d) Bumper stickers; or (e) Stories about Clay Aiken.

—Who is your favorite writer? (a) J.K. Rowling; (b) Bill Clinton; (c) David Letterman (I love his Top Ten lists); (d) My insurance agent; or (e) Whoever wrote the directions on my acne cream.

I conducted a similar survey and discovered that the best way to get young people to read my column is to have it printed on the back of women’s shorts. It’s a fashion trend — young women wearing shorts with words printed on the back, apparently believing that men need another reason to look. But I give these women credit: They’re not trying to attract ordinary, run-of-the-mill men — they’re trying to attract men who read.

If he can read your shorts, perhaps one day he’ll be able to read your mind. You never know.

(Melvin Durai is an India-born, North America-based writer and humorist. His humour columns, acclaimed for being both funny and thought-provoking, have appeared in dozens of newspapers and magazines in several countries, including the United States, India and Zambia.)

Celebrating Differences in Life

by Latha Vidyaranya

While reading an old post here, the very title A son need not be like his father made me wonder why we are all so bent upon finding the parent in the child always. Why do we expect the son to be like father and the daughter to be like mother?! Why do we not allow the son to be the son himself and daughter to be the daughter herself?? At one point we all say ‘variety is the spice of life’ and at other times we do not want to see variety but expect everybody to conform to certain ‘standards’ that society has defined. Anybody not conforming to these standards are shunned and not accepted easily. Instead, if we find variations why not we celebrate the differences?

Perhaps this is due to the fact that we all desire immortality in some way or the other. If a doctor’s son/daughter becomes a doctor, the father feels a pride in perpetuating his profession through his son/daughter thus preserving himself through his profession to posterity, amounting to a degree of immortality. He is going to outlive himself through his child! Same may be the reason why people hanker after constructing houses or hoarding jewellery. When their children live in those houses after them, they would still continue to live through those houses or when the daughter wears a mother’s jewellery, mother’s memories are kept intact thus immortalizing the person!

When this is the state we are in, we can imagine how difficult it is to de-identify oneself from this body-mind-intellect complex – as directed in our spiritual texts, Ashtavakra being one of them. When people are scared of retiring from a job because of losing so many of their identities in the form of power, designation, their earnings, their name and fame, can ordinary mortal be expected to drop his/her identity from body, from mind and from their highly placed intellect?! It requires guts to pursue the path of spirituality. That’s why it is said in our Upanishads – “cowards can not attain aatma” or “naayamaatmaa balahiinena labhyah”.

The line Adi Sankara in his ‘Viveka Choodamani’ says that “the body should be shunned as one would a disgusting object”, reminded me of a funny observation that I had made recently. In Malleshwaram, there is a Sringeri Shankaramutt where we were taught the tenets of advaita philosophy that constantly used to remind us, “you are not your body” and so on. And as we finished our classes and used to come out of the compound, we used to encounter a jarring display board of a body fitness and beautifying clinic right opposite the mutt that used to entice people by telling them “you are your body. Beautify it”! What a paradox!

The sentence, “There is only a thin dividing line between the attitude of escapism and acceptance” made me wonder how so many of us take the easy route of saying that something is “my karma and hence I have to bear it”, instead of putting sincere effort to alleviate the difficult situation! Whenever we feel lazy to put in the “purusha prayatna”, we simply attribute the negative result to our fate and keep quiet! And there is always a big debate going on about the supremacy of “Fate versus Free Will”. Here once again I am reminded of the words full of wisdom from our Poojya Swamiji Sri Sri Chandrashekhara Bharathi, the 34th Pontiff of Sringeri Shankaramutt, Sringeri. He once said that Fate is nothing but the outcome of the free will that we ourselves had once exercised earlier. Hence to overcome the Fate, we just have to exercise our free will once again now with an intensified force. He gives a beautiful analogy of our trying to pull out a hard hit nail from the wall. When the nail does not come out inspite of our trying repeatedly, we just drop our effort saying that it is my fate and accept the failure. Instead of giving up our effort, if only I can remember that it was I who had driven the nail inside the wall with many a hard hits, then I will realize that it now requires from me much more intensified effort to pull the nail out of the wall. I am bound to succeed!

Similar to the words in Ashtavakra Geetha, in Viveka Choodamani also Sri Shankaracharya says “Mana Eeva Kaaranah Manushyaanaam Bandha Mokshayoh”. It is our mind which either makes us bound or makes us free. I have realized the truth of this sentence all the more now that I am in the profession of Psychological Counselling. Most of the problems that our clients come up with are self-created or self-contributed. But we seldom realize the truth of it, because we find it so easy to shift the blame on someone else for all our problems. Once we shift the blame, we falsely believe that we can shirk from the responsibility of setting the problem right! And as counsellors, it falls upon us to help them develop an insight into their problems thus helping them to discover a new perspective to the whole issue. And once acceptance dawns we find it so much easier to pave the way to resolve the issue.

Also read:
Happy Father’s Day

(Latha Vidyaranya is a Special Educator and Counsellor and has founded ‘Empower Counselling Centre’ in Malleswaram, Bangalore.)

Happy Father’s Day

Thirty or Forty years ago, it was taken for granted that the father was the breadwinner and head of the family. Nowadays, there is far less rigid expectations of a father’s responsibilities – couples often work together, both in and outside the home, and they share responsibilites.

Not long ago, a typical mother’s warning to a child was: “Wait till your father gets home”, and that showed who was supposed to be responsible for discipline in a family. Today, there is a more positive approach to parenting in which either of the parent uses warmth, encouragement and praise to get good behaviour from the child.

We need to remember that for children, parents are the most important role models. They will be watching and copying their parents to learn how to behave. When they see the father or the mother behaving in a sensitive and respectful way, they’ll copy and understand this is how others should be treated.

It is almost two years since I became a father, and I can see to an extent the transformation within myself into a more sentimental and sensitive being. Ever since he has come into our lives, my son has reminded me and my wife that we are loved and needed.

The best thing about being a father started the day he was born. And I was fortunate to have seen him enter this world, which is rare in this part of the globe.

I consider it a blessing to spend each moment with my son. Watching him develop his personality provides lots of laughs and brings joy into our home. Watching his reactions to learning and seeing new things brings tremendous happiness to our life. The highlight of my day is hearing his little voice exclaiming “Appa!”

Spending time with my son has become my favourite pastime. It is a wonderful feeling to be with him, whether playing sports or just sitting in our balcony and watching a little dog on the street. The innocent joy on my son’s face when I play with him, sing for him his favourite song, narrate him his favourite stories or the excitement he shows when he sees a cow or a horse or a dog or some fishes near a mall up the road, are simply priceless experiences. The small moments of genuine connection of emotion cannot be described.

My son reminds me again and again that this world is full of wonders. For him, everything is new and everything must be explored with all his senses. And I am grateful and honoured to guide and encourage him as he sets out on this great journey of discovery that is life.

Experiencing the many moments when, without warning, I become completely overwhelmed by the happiness my son brings to my life, is simply great. These are moments that you don’t expect — when he’s sleeping in a contorted position, when he splashes water while giving him a bath, when he reveals his unique personality in a spontaneous comment, when he’s scared about seeing an elephant really close to him.

The great thing about being a dad is coming home after work, and seeing his face light up like you just gave him the best gift he could ever receive. (There are times when he makes me feel that he loves my Helmet more than me!) Hearing him say what he did the whole day brings so much contentment.

Before signing off, just want to say that I am not a perfect father, which is a statement that should be understood as a given for anyone in this profession. I cherish my son for the remarkable human being he is at the moment, and for everything he can become.

Happy Father’s Day!

Related links:

• Mother’s Day
• A son need not be like his father
• Fathers also need to balance home and work